Yesterday, the girls and I cut some holes in a cardboard box and called it a house. Then we pulled out some random toys and played with them in the house. We had a lot of fun together.
So, last night, I decided that I'd put something more house-like together for them to play with. It took me a while, and I was pretty pleased with it, considering it's a couple of cardboard boxes and packing tape. I was totally looking forward to seeing how they liked it.
And then doubt. What if, when Beege saw the house she thought that I thought that the house we made together wasn't good enough? What if she felt invalidated by the (perceived) fact that Mummy thought that I could only do it "right" if I did it myself? What if she took this thing that I had done for her and turned it into a lifelong thing and never tried hard at anything because it wouldn't be good enough for Mummy anyway?
Who the hell thought it was a good idea to give me such a big hand in shaping these little people?? I've always been the type of person to question myself. I always try and weigh every side of everything before I'll commit to a decision. Sometimes it's useful, and sometimes it's just freaking annoying. While I feel like it's perfectly normal to debate every side of a decision that affects your kids, is it really normal to analyse every word that comes out of your mouth?
I know that I'm the one doing this to myself. I'm the one who worries about how my every interaction with them will shade the way they see things. I know that if they become serial killers (which isn't statistically likely), I'll take complete responsibility; for anything wonderful they do, they get full credit. Every night, after they've gone to bed, I review the day in my head and wonder what, if anything, they will take to heart; did I say anything harmful? Did I say anything inspiring?
How to handle misbehaviour? I agree that the punishment/consequence (what are we supposed to be calling it these days?) should fit the crime - but what do you do when the crime is knocking down their little sister? What can you do when your almost 5 year old is completely ignoring you? Not only that, but then proceeds to explain why they are ignoring you?
If I tell them how beautiful I think they are, will that make them self conscious? If I never tell them how beautiful I think they are, will that make them self conscious?
I'm starting to feel like this motherhood thing comes with too many questions. I, for one, don't have any answers. I think I'll just have to muddle through as best as I can, doing what I feel is right and hoping for the best.
I tell my girls every day how much I love them, how brave and bright and strong and beautiful they are. Anything else, we'll just have to figure out as we go along.