Monday, June 21, 2010

My Mouth Tastes Like Old Pennies.

So. It's been a while. How've you been? I've been kinda crappy.

After Baby B's 2nd birthday, I have to admit, I indulged in a lot of maudlin "where did my baby go?" sniffling and leafing through pictures of both my babies who have somehow been catapulted into little girl-hood. I know that I was nowhere this bad after Big B's 2nd - possibly because I was 3 months pregnant and puking up anything that had the audacity to broach my delicate stomach. I think that more of it has to do with the possibility that this baby, my sweet Baby B, may be my *last* baby; and she's no longer really a baby.

Half my brain is being very reasonable about the whole thing. Well, it would be easier to provide a better life for the two lovely kids I've already got without a third. I wouldn't have to worry about being pregnant and what that would do to me during and after. We certainly don't have enough room, and don't plan on moving at the moment...

The other half is pounding it's fists and screaming at the top of it's lungs. FIRST SMILE! FIRST LAUGH! FIRST "MAMA"! FIRST GIGGLE!! LIFE CHANGING, HEARTBREAKING, ALL ENCOMPASSING LOVE!!! Every once in a while, as I watch the girls play, I find that a treacherous hand has snuck up to rest on my empty belly speculatively.

It's a hard one, this "should we have another child?"

Aside from this big life stuff, my internet has been down. I've also been sick as a bucket of secret sauce left in the sun by a dumpster.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Holy Crap, She's 2!

Two years ago, this beautiful girl burst forth from my body, taking another little piece of my heart. When life is so short, and anything can happen, it's important to take some time out to appreciate the ordinary miracles all around us. On this day when I'm celebrating the 2nd birthday of my youngest miracle, here's a music video for you to enjoy. Set phasers to sob.
Sarah MacLaughlin - Ordinary Miracle

The Garden.

I live in a basement apartment. It has two bedrooms. It is fairly dark, even in the middle of the day (you know... being underground and all..) and there is absolutely no privacy. Really. The bathroom has a folding door that doesn't reach all the way to the ground.

Luckily for me, there is a huge backyard. Not only is there a huge backyard, but in this backyard, there is a plot of land - probably bigger than my bedroom - that I am allowed to use for whatever I see fit. I've decided to plant a garden. So I got out a shovel, dug in some sheep crap and planted seeds... and lo and behold I've got plants. Not just any plants, either - I've got *food* plants! I've never had a garden before, and never had much success with house plants, so this is pretty thrilling. I'm so ridiculously pleased with each little success. In my mind, I'm already making spaghetti sauce.

Most importantly though, I see each little sprout as a little sprig of sanity. It's quiet, other people think it's boring, and I get to be alone. It's practically heaven. Now all I need out there is a lawn chair and a bookshelf and I'm set.