Thursday, March 3, 2011

Everybody Poops.

This morning, when I woke up, I felt like garbage. Gross, fast food dumpster sitting in the sun, garbage. My whole body ached and it felt like there was somebody stabbing me in the eye. And my stomach... holy hell, my stomach. Luckily, my husband was gone and the girls weren't up yet so I could just sit in the bathroom and feel sorry for myself.

Before I got to business though, for some reason I'm still not quite sure of, I weighed myself.

Possibly, it's because I've been losing weight pretty steadily for the past little while. I have actually been watching what I eat but getting absolutely no excercise, so it's pretty slow. So, while I'm not obsessive about it, every few days, I do weigh myself.

This is only important because of what followed.

I swear to god, I lost half my body mass on the toilet. I know, gross, but I'm sure you've been there.

And then, again for reasons I'm still not quite sure of, I weighed myself again. Yeah, okay, maybe this time it was because I really felt like "ohmygod, most of my innards are in the toilet" and since I'd just weighed myself, why not see if most of my innards actually were in the toilet? I know, I know, gross.

I had gained half a pound. Wait, what? At this point in the post I was going to say:

"So... I crap antimatter?"

Which I thought was pretty funny. Then I passed it by my husband. Then the following ICQ conversation happened*:

Me: So. Antimatter. If you take mass away from something and it weighs more than it did to begin with, what would you call that?

Him: Well, I would call that an increase in gravity since weight is a variable, and mass is constant. so if something loses mass and weighs more, it has been subjected to an increase in gravity.

Me: Hunh. Well, I doubt I experienced an increase in gravity. I just want to know if "so... I crap antimatter?" makes sense.

Him: antimatter is exactly the same as regular matter, so it really has no special properties aside from annihilating regular matter...
Let's see. you could be experiencing an increase in density — I believe dark matter could weigh a lot with very little mass. less mass but more gravity is an increase in density… like a tablespoon of collapsed star is the weight of our planet

Me: Okay. Well, there goes that punchline.

Him: or you could say you warp spacetime :D

Me: My ass warps spacetime.

Him: and stars themselves lose mass and gain gravity/density! eg. like the tablespoon of collapsed star)

Me: So I'm a star?

Him: how about a collapsar (though that may be an older term)

Me: great. So I'm an "exceptionally large" star?

Him: heh there are no good descriptors for astronomical phenomenon of that magnitude that can be applied to a person in good conscience :D
'dense' 'massive' 'explosive' etc

So. While the mystery behind gaining some weight when logically you would think that you'd lose some remains unsolved, I hope that you, like I, have learned a great deal about the properties of collapsing stars today. Because heaven knows, the next time you're trying to describe a strange occurrence due to a bodily function, you may want to have some of this stuff tucked away.

And honestly, 'dense', 'massive' and 'explosive' are all terms that have, at times, applied to my ass.

*Parts of this conversation, not affecting the outcome, have been edited by the producer. The fact that I hate Zoboomafoo isn't really relevant.

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