Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Isn't It Awfully Nice To Have a Penis?

One day, as Beege sat quietly and watched, I folded five loads of laundry. There was more, but I only bothered with five. Anyway. As she watched, she started helpfully pointing out whose laundry was who's for me - you know, in case I got confused or something.

"Those underpants are yours, mummy, they're giant." Yes. Thank you. "Those pants must be Kee's." Yep. Thanks. "Those shorts things are Daddy's," she said, pointing at a pair of boxer shorts. Why yes, they are. "Why doesn't daddy have proper underpants?" Well, daddy is a boy, and boys have penises, so they need more room in their underpants than we do. "That's true. Riley* at school showed me his penis." Uhm... WHAT?!

After some prodding, the story appeared to be that Riley forgot to pull the door closed all the way when he went to the bathroom and turned around when the door opened. So it was an accidental penis showing. Also, I have no idea when it actually occurred, so there's not much to be done about it. I pointed out that she should always always knock on bathroom doors before opening them, and that it's really not okay to show people your private parts.

There followed a discussion of why we don't show people our bums and how it's not okay to compare underwear at school even if you do happen to notice some sticking out the back of someone's pants that are the same as the ones you're wearing. During our discussion, she decided that she's glad she doesn't have a penis because her girl's underwear is nicer.

I really couldn't help but agree.

Reasons I am happy I don't have a penis:

1. Men's underwear.
1. My daughter running at me for an unexpected hug has never put me on the ground trying not to cry.
3. I don't have to worry about it when a kid jumps in my lap for story time.
4. They're just weird looking. Not that I'm a connoisseur or anything... but I'd rather have indoor plumbing.
5. I don't ever have to even think about wearing a jock strap. Ick.
6. Penises come with testicles... which cause a whole other set of problems. I don't have to worry about sitting on myself when I sit down.
7. I've never rolled over on my junk in the middle of the night and woken up in pain.
8. I don't have to worry about my pants "sawing" my testicles as I walk. Then again, I would probably wear looser pants to try and avoid this, but what do I know?

There's probably more, but I think that's enough, yeah?

Reasons it might be okay to have a penis

1. Peeing at the side of the highway in a traffic jam wouldn't be such an ordeal. I haven't had to do it, but it's come pretty darn close and I can tell you, it probably would have been less worrisome if I could have just stood there and peed nonchalantly and been done with it.

Okay... that was all I could come up with.

If you don't feel like a little Monty Python, don't click this link.

*Name has been changed, don't worry.

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