Thursday, January 12, 2012

The (Very Belated) Holiday Re-cap. [Part 3]

[Last one, I swear.]

And Then My Ass Exploded.

January 1st, 3:00am.

In the darkened bedroom, the sleeping woman stirs. She groans. She bolts upright. She whimpers, as she swings her legs over the side of the bed. She moves in fits and starts, trying to travel quickly, thwarted by the malevolent creature that is raking it's sharp claws through her abdomen with each step.

She heads to the bathroom. Stops. Changes direction to the children's bookcase, certain that she had put a bucket -- one of many used to collect Halloween treats -- there, the day before. Grabbing the bucket, she once again turns to the bathroom; moving quickly, despite the pain.

She feels as though she is being torn apart.

As suddenly as she awoke, pure evil begins pouring from her body. It rips and burns on its way out. Sobbing and shaking, she is nonetheless pleased to have made it to an acceptable receptacle.

What follows is too horrific to describe.

When she feels the evil lift for a moment, she finds herself grateful that: a) the children had more than one of those damn buckets, b) the toilet had not clogged at any juncture, and c) she did not drop her glasses in the toilet as she had initially feared.

There follows a time of sobbing, racked with convulsions, until she falls fitfully asleep; only to be woken by fresh waves of pain. The TV agrees to babysit, and nothing is broken, no children are harmed.

Time passes. She is unaware. Eventually, the pain lessens.

She sits up.

She feels... hungry.

All is right with the world.


  1. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Thank God for TV.

  2. Yes, indeed. The kids were actually pretty good about the whole thing. When I collapsed behind the couch, Beege brought me a blanket and a bucket, and Kee made sure to hug me "very very gentle". I've got good kids.