Tuesday, March 6, 2012

After the Bath.

I tend to associate baths with relaxing. You know, have a cup of tea and read a book in a nice warm bath for a while... just the thought is relaxing, right? People in movies and books are always being advised to take a nice warm bath to calm their nerves. It's totally a thing.

For most people, I imagine the decision to have a bath is a fairly easy one. You decide to have a bath, you run the bath, you get in the bath.

At my house, there are a few more steps.

1) Find a book that I'd like to read but wouldn't cry if I dropped it in the bath.

2) Find some clean and comfy pajamas that I'd like to wear upon exit from the bath. (Which is harder some times than others;I have the unfortunate habit of making sure that everyone else has enough clean clothes for the week, but forgetting to make sure that I do.)

3) Inform anyone who may need to use the bathroom that I will be using the bath and they must do anything they think they might need to do before I go in there.

4) Clear the bathtub of any unsavory items (ie. bath mat I don't want to sit on, stupid barbie bath toys, pee covered training underpants, etc.)

5) Realise that I (or Husband *hint, hint*) really, really, should clean the tub surround more often.

6) Run the bath. Check if there is any hot water coming out of the tap. If yes, continue. If no, stop water, swear under my breath for a while, then try again.

7) Get into the bath.

8) Realise that the only way I can sit and read my book (as I don't want to lean my head on the grotty tub surround that really needs a scrub) is hunched up like a kindergartner at circle time, only less comfortable because I haven't got room to cross my legs.

9) Decide to abandon the book and just lie down and luxuriate instead.

10) Remember just how uncomfortable my bath tub is. If my head is in the water, my knees stick up into the cold*. If my legs are straight, I must either lean on the grotty wall, or sit straight up. (I've tried sort of squinching down in it, but I invariably end up with a sore neck.)

11) Give up the whole stupid "relaxing" idea, wash my hair, and get out.

The whole experience generally leaves me a bit pissed off and having a headache from the crick in my neck.

After this, it generally takes a week or so before I forget about how stupid my bath tub is, and how much I hate it.

At which point, you may hear me saying, "I think I'll have a nice warm bath, and read my book."

Now this is a bath tub.

*For some reason, no matter what the temperature of the rest of the apartment, the bathroom is always freezing. I'm pretty sure it's because of the hole in the back of the storage nook (I certainly couldn't call it a closet). There's insulation stuck in it, and a piece of wood over it, but I'm pretty sure that if I stuck my hand through, it'd be outside.


  1. Everyone in my family simultaneously has to take a dump as soon as I get into the tub. It's a law. No, hot baths are not as relaxing as one might imagine.

    1. I figure if I warn them all and give them opportunity to use the bathroom, then they can bloody well hold it 'til I'm done.

      Okay fine. I don't make them hold it.

      But they should.

  2. It sounds like getting your hair washed at the hairdressers - the finger massage and the warm water mmmmmm....but the crook neck after the one size fits all neck brace ouch!

  3. We're on the same page today - my post for Chicago Parent today will have a bathroom spin as well. There is no relaxing in my tub. For different reasons....

    Great post!

  4. I love a nice hot bath! But for some reason I always have company...the dog comes in and sniffs at me, husband comes in to ask a question. I can only imagine if I had kids!

    1. This is why I will absolutely not move somewhere that only has one bathroom. Non-negotiable. It was fine for just the two of us, who at least have some semblance of control over our bodily functions, but at this point? No freaking way.

      What I'd really like is my very own bathroom. With a secret entry way through the back of a closet or something. I don't even want them to know it's there.

  5. I understand. We were so excited about our bathtub when we bought our house - it is deep!! And has jets!!

    ...but the jets, no matter how much I try, keep gunk buildup in them. So I'm scared to take a bath. For fear of gunk infiltrating.

    And now I want a bath. Thanks a lot.

    1. I'm with you n the jets... they kind of gross me out. I especially hate them in hotels. Eww. I want a nice deep tub with a high back and no jets. And one of those trays that goes across to hold your book, tea, etc. And a shower head that you can reach when you're sitting down would be nice...

      I've thought about this a little.