Thursday, March 22, 2012

Who Cut the Cheese?

So. Lately, I've been trying to keep track of what I'm eating. For one thing, it helps me figure out which foods make my butt erupt*. For another, it has helped me figure out why said butt is expanding at a horrendous rate.

The answer to the expansion turns out to be pretty easy: I've been eating too much and not exercising at all. Sadly, most all of my hobbies involve sitting on my ass. And not only have I been eating too much, but I've been eating a lot of crap.

Now, I would be okay with my larger body if I felt fit and healthy inside it. But I don't. I huff and puff as I chase my kids, I get tired easily, and I really (really) don't like to run. All of which hampers my ability to play with my girls. Which just sucks.

And forget all about me for a minute, I feel like I'm being a crappy example for the kids.

So. Back to the "keeping track of what I'm eating" stuff.

I started by just writing down what I was eating, to see if there was a pattern to the sick making. Then I started writing down things like whether I'd managed to leave my house that day or not, and how many calories I was eating. Which can get complicated. (Not whether I've left my house, but the calorie thing.)

Because no two jars of pasta sauce are the same. You might think that one can of tuna is the same as another, but you'd be wrong. Different brands of cheese vary wildly in their caloric content. And some of the serving sizes are just bizarre.

Today, for example, I was making myself dinner, and checking the nutritional info as I went. Everything was going swimmingly until I got to the brick of cheese. A nice tasty marble cheddar, perfect for grilled cheese.

A serving size of said cheese is "1 1/4 inch cube". This effing brick of cheese is an inch wide. About three inches deep.

What the hell, Cheese?!

So I got out a ruler**, and started making inch-and-a-quarter, by one inch, by quarter inch slices. Then I stacked them together until I had the stupid cube. What the hell kind of stupid serving size is that??

And cheese isn't the only food to have irked me so: Why can I find the information for three quarters of a medium sized banana, but not a whole medium sized banana? Why would you give me the calories for five eighths of a can of soup? Why would I eat five and a half mushrooms?

Who was the jerk off who thought that making a person, who may or may not be a little woozy with hunger, do fractions before she can eat her dinner was a good idea? WHO?!

*I know... I'm such a dainty lady.
**Yes, I really did.

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