Thursday, February 21, 2013

4:37.

It happens almost every night.

4:37am, my eyes pop open, and I am immediately, irrevocably, awake.

I've no idea what wakes me up, but there I am.

My mind starts racing, followed by my heart. I lie awake, trying desperately to slow everything down so that I can get back to sleep.

I check the clock. I get up and go to the bathroom. I check the clock again. I lay down and try to regain some of my stolen blankets. I sigh. I check the clock again. I play tetris in my head. This reminds me of when Beege was a baby. Which reminds me that neither of them are babies anymore. I wonder what they will be like when they are grown. I wonder if I can keep them safe until they get there. I wonder if I can let them go. I wonder if they will come back. I wonder if I am good enough.

The good thoughts are getting eaten by the bad ones, and I try to distract myself.

Eventually, I start writing in my head.

Text appears across my eyelids as though I'm typing it on a screen. The letters disappearing and reappearing as ideas change shape. I can tell I'm starting to fall asleep when the words become animals. They start wiggling off the page and confusing the issue. Middle of the night brilliance; lost in the jungle.

Every sound pops my eyelids back open. And if I don't shut them again quickly enough, my heart starts thumping, and I need to start the whole process over.

Fast forward to 7:37. I am supposed to get up now. This is when people are supposed to be up. I have things to do. GET UP!

I hit snooze now, and fall back into a deep slumber. I register the pale morning sunlight, and avert my eyes as I sink back into the pillow. My body is so heavy that it feels wrong to try and move.





4 comments:

  1. One word: ambien. Changed my life. But if there's a fire in the middle of the night when Joe's working? We're SCREWED. (;

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    1. That's what I worry about - the fire in the middle of the night thing - although, he doesn't have to be away. Dude could sleep through an earthquake, during a tornado, while screaming baboons cavorted around his head.

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  2. I love your labels, 'well this sucks' Great one!
    When you read about other peoples sleepless nights, you feel like you are living it. I definitely feel for you. Sleepless, mind racing, mind wandering nights are the WORST!!! I don't want to think when I lay my head down. I just want to be done thinking.

    Good luck tonight! :)

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    1. Thanks, J.R., I'm crossing my fingers that tonight is the night I miss altogether. :)

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